I’m desired carnally for my transsexual vampire swag

my friend asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend because her parents are homophobic af but they ended up hating me so much that they were glad when she said she was gay task failed successfully

okay so

• be a goth. conservative christian parents don't approve of goth men. show up to their house wearing all kinds of satanic symbols if you can
• know more about religion than the parents. they'll try to introduce you to christianity because you don't exactly look like a christian but your dad's an ex priest and has a phd in theology so *cracks knuckles* you'll correct them on every little mistake they make
• call your fake girlfriend every annoying petname under the sun. i'm talking about babu, shmoopie, snuffleupagus. when you run out of annoying english terms of endearment call her shit like "my liver" or "my little cabbage" (actual greek terms of endearments but the parents won't know this they'll just think you're annoying :3)
• to continue this, talk to your fake girlfriend in the most high pitched annoying voice possible but talk in your regular voice to everyone else
• stare at her older brother's ass for just a little too long
• have an annoying laugh. think of sybil fawlty but a stereotypical villain playing a church organ in his castle
• let them quote bible verses to you. then ask "so when were those two destroyed for sodomy?". it's very funny to do this when judas kisses jesus, and it's even funnier when you've just corrected them over a minor mistake in church history
• ask WHY abraham was begging for sodom. it doesn't make sense to you why a good christian man would go and beg for tha-
• be over possessive of your fake gf (dont really do this, it's just an act)
• go and fuck her brother in an alleyway. the parents won't know about this so it's an optional step
• use words no one knows the meaning of. do this without realising because you always talk like that
• just be yourself! that's enough on its own to make them despise you tbh

yes

i kissed him on the lips infront of his parents and claimed it was the usual greek greeting between men is that enough for you

Are you…. Are you secretly dating her brother OP?

yes

I wonder why

Show up again to admit to dating the brother, but dress like a typical suburbanite and act like you've never met the parents before. Absolute power move.

asdgfgsjfh im totally doing this

the dark souls 2 protagonist is called bearer of the curse because it's actually referencing you, the player, with the curse being that you're currently playing dark souls 2 (bad game)

call me Ken the way I don't. have a job

People reblogging this with "me but I have a job" NO you are BARBIE

got a folding fan and i think i might just be evil now

i can make violent gestures with it. i can flutter it in front of my face to hide a smile. i can fan myself during this fucking summer heat. god’s most beautiful invention and i can feel myself falling to the dark side

just killed a mosquito in one wicked strike. god will smite me for my hubris

“if you can’t brush your teeth that’s fine uwu one step at a time” posts are supportive and that’s great but I’m about to have a 4.4k$ dental bill because I wasn’t taking care of my teeth when I was super depressed so uhh brush your fuckin teeth

the reason I bring up those posts is because every time I saw one I felt less and less bad about not brushing them and when my teeth actually started causing problems it made my MH worse because I was having horrible anxiety about my teeth getting worse and now I’m facing procedures that will probably be pretty painful and will definitely be expensive so I kinda got some beef with the anti-recovery culture on this site

switch up the language a little.

didn’t brush your teeth this morning? forgive your past self and do it now!

woke up at 3am and realize you didn’t brush your teeth before bed? 11pm you was tired, forgive yourself, and just do it now!

“it’s okay” DOES lose helpfulness when you forget that it’s supposed to mean “don’t beat yourself up about mistakes, and don’t let it keep you from doing something different.”

present you and future you don’t have to suffer just bc past you slipped. past you was going through it. give them a break. but, please, don’t let that stop you from doing something different. 11pm wants 3am you to feel better, even if they couldn’t make it happen.

my dad always says "it's not trespassing if you're not planning to do anything bad" which as a legal argument wouldn't get far but as a moral prerogative is completely sound

officer i am literally just in a location

Every time someone says "ingredients" I say "ingredience" in response and then I realize I just sound like I repeated them because it sounds the fucking same out loud

me when i say inch resting

Favorite genre of post

I had an interesting night last night

I’m so glad I have tumblr gold so I can view this post

Tumblr gold users rise up

Because The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog is free, and therefore the most accessible Sonic game for most people, it’s very likely it will become somebody’s first Sonic game

Just think about that

personally i think there should have been at least one episode where sokka collects aang and zuko and is like, “looks like we’re running low on supplies.  time for a GUYS-ONLY field trip.  three days of hunting and fishing and polishing our swords.  y’know, manly warrior stuff.  (aang, sotto voce: actually sokka i’m a vegetarian as you know–)  you girls have fun sitting around braiding your hair and talking about your crushes” and then the entire episode is just zuko and sokka lying around by a river, plucking blades of grass and staring up at the stars confiding in each other their deepest feelings and most secret insecurities while aang braids flower crowns, and whenever the screen cuts back to katara and toph and suki, they’re fighting and screaming and hacking away at river pirates and evil spirits and legions of assassins and hired mercenaries with swords.  you know, as girls do.

and when the boys finally drag themselves back to camp (they stayed up way too late discussing what true leadership really means and whether or not power always corrupts)  they find suki and toph and katara lounging around with black eyes and fresh bruises and bloodstained weapons and sokka shrieks, “what were you guys DOING while we were gone???”  and karata just shugs innocently and says in her sweetest voice, “oh, you know.  just girly things”

they are absolutely still wearing the crowns and they don’t have a single fish to show for their efforts

i did it

People on this site really go ape for Catholic Aesthetics but no one is doing it like 40k. Cathedrals the size of cities fulled with machinery and the beaten masses. A legion of warrior nuns who lock their penitant in giant iron maiden robots and send them into battle. There's a scene in Warhammer: Boltgun where you come across a holy altar bathed in divine light with a brick shaped machine gun on it.

ALT

Warhammer is a lot of things (and has a lot to be critical of), but one of those things is incredibly absurd Military Sci-Fi Catholicism and all you tumblrines who go on about appropriating catholicism should at least give it a look over.